But it never happened…..I ended up training to become a retail manager, bought a home at twenty one and got engaged to a lovely man (but the relationship didn’t last long) although I was grateful for a home which I kept and run by myself for the next seven years.
But then I was stuck struggling to keep my home running on my own with no money or time to keep my art going I was always so tired.
I needed to carry on with my job in retail & get promoted, so during this time Painting was a hobby when I could afford it. I should of sold the house, but I didn’t because I felt it would be taking a huge step backwards in life, it was my only achievement, the only thing I had achieved in life so far that had not ended up going wrong so I wanted to hold on to that.
So fast forward to me at twenty eight, I finally met the love of my life and got married within a year although I was still in the job I didn’t want to be in, the thing that was holding me back in for being who i wanted to be…I then fell pregnant within a few months.
Whilst on maternity leave I went through a really hard time, was diagnosed with severe aniexty and postnatal depression. I was always aware since the age of sixteen I suffered with heightened aniexty but until I receive therapy I really didn’t realise how much it had effected my life so far and the decisions I had made on the past. My husband was a rock when I was a complete mess, I can only explain it as being fractured into a million pieces and then slowly trying to put them all back together.
I still feel a bit raw on the hole experience because I can honestly say that the month or two before after my little boy was born is a complete blur in my mind and I will never get that time back. I went back to work nine months after and even though I was healing, I knew I wasn’t doing the one thing I needed to be, expressive painting helped me heal, I couldn’t ignore that fact and that I knew want I had to do. I was just so terrified to do it. Could I become an artist like I always hoped I could be? I stuck with my job as long as I could until one day I finally plucked up the courage to quit.
It was such a life changing decision one that I knew would either make me or break me……
TO BE CONTINUED…..